To say that having a baby is a joyous event would be like saying the Titanic hit an ice cube. It’s monumental and life changing. There is a ton of information dedicated to the event, but not nearly enough that focus on the days following the birth. Those first fearful days when you no longer have nurses or doulas or family there to help you seem to be glossed over. After the adrenalin wears off and the exhaustion sets in, there’s a period of time that is simply frightening. So I’ll try to give you a little insight into those first few days, maybe a couple of tips to help you out, at the very least, something to laugh at. While pregnant, I made the promise not to be one of those women who spews the worst of the worst to anyone pregnant, and I won’t. But I can’t give you all a bouquet of happy flowers, but I’d rather give you the truth. And with the truth comes the knowledge that it gets better. I promise.
Take It Easy
The infamous and infallible “They” always say to sleep when your baby sleeps. While that’s super in theory, if you’re like me, you think, “When the heck am I supposed to get stuff done?” In the beginning, you’re going to be tired. You’ve spent the last 36 weeks or so preparing a human being to join the world. During that time, your body has gone through some massive changes (like your bladder being compressed into the size of a walnut). Not to mention the fact that you’ve just gone through some serious trauma. You have a baby in your arms, so you’ve either passed that not-so-tiny bundle of joy through what you’ve discovered is a very stretchy little hole, or you’ve been cut in half while awake. Uh, yeah. I’d say the greater part of a year has been a little stressful.
Now, you’re awake every two hours to feed the baby, waking out of a dead sleep just to look at your baby and make sure they are still breathing, and if you’re breastfeeding, feeling like a human bottle. Those crazy pregnancy hormones are still running rampant, although now they’re called post-partum hormones. You’re tired. I know. So take a nap when you need it. If you can sleep when your baby does, that’s great. If you want to just sit on the toilet and pretend you can poop, do that. I would rather sit on the couch watching reruns of CSI: Miami while my baby slept in my arms. The main thing is that you need to take it easy.
You Don’t Have to Do it All (Part 1)
Accept help whenever it’s offered. Smile and say thank you when people bring you frozen dinners (they fed us for the first two weeks). Your mother-in-law wants to clean your bathroom? Super. Swallow the urge to defend your ability to clean your own bathroom and accept her offer. No, she won’t clean it the same way that you do, but does it really matter? It could be a while before you get the time and energy to do much more then clip your nursing bra closed. No one is going to think less of you because you ask your parents to stop at the grocery store for you and pick some things up, or vacuum the rug in the guest room. Heck, no one will think less of you if you just close the door to the guest room and pretend it doesn’t exist for a while.
You Don’t Have to Do it All (Part 2)
Sometimes, you’ll actually have to ask for help. I actually thought about packing up my newborn baby and leaving my husband because he didn’t offer to bring the pile of laundry from the laundry room to the master bedroom. Couldn’t he see that I needed a little help? Honestly? No, he didn’t. If you’ve always been the one to do it all, don’t be angry at your husband because he doesn’t jump to do something. He’s used to you doing it all. He’ll be more then willing to help (anyone will), but you actually have to break down and ask for help.
I found that a lot of my family and friends didn’t want to offer because they didn’t want to intrude. Pride is bitter and nasty when swallowed, but the amount of people eager to jump to your aide is worth it.
Mommy Does it Like This
While you’re swallowing your pride, you should have your husband try some too. Ask him if wants or needs coaching or not. Just like he can’t read your mind, you can’t read his. Some men will want to be gently told when they’re doing something wrong or if they should be doing something different. Other men will want to fumble through and figure it out on their own. I found out that my husband was somewhere in the middle. He didn’t want to be bombarded with, “You’re doing this wrong. You’re doing this wrong,” but he also didn’t want to either hurt the baby or look stupid in front of someone. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t asked him.
So he learned on his own why a clean diaper goes down under the baby when the dirty one has been pulled out. He learned the signs that our son is about to … uh … let’s say fire his gun. But there were times when I stepped in to offer advice. When I saw my little Bug’s head lolling around while he sat on my husband’s tummy, I stepped in and said, “Uh honey, you have to hold his head. Yeah. All the time.”
My Promise
I consider myself a wonder woman and the transition to super-mom has been a little rough. There are times when I feel like my entire world is built on Jenga legs and I’m simply delaying the inevitable crash as it all falls down around me. For a planner who has always lived in routine land surrounded by lists and schedules, it’s more like torture than a “readjustment.” At times, I swore I was in hell. I questioned my ability as a mother, as a woman, even as a person.
While it’s tough to admit that I haven’t gotten it all together yet, it’s a work in progress and the little milestones I see keep me from breaking down. The first few days, it was enough just to take a shower and remember to change my clothes. I’ve left the house without shoes on, forgotten the nipple pads (you only do that once), toted my diaper-only clad son to Grammas house because I thought that two changes of clothes would be enough for him over the course of a three hour visit (wrong!) and the list goes on. But things even out. Milk production regulates, sleep patterns emerge and you learn how to juggle all in a way that works for you and your baby.
This morning, I grabbed my coffee and my packed lunch, reminded my husband about the bottles in the fridge for Grandpa Daycare, kissed my fed and diapered son goodbye, and made it to work on time, nicely dressed and with matching shoes. It gets easier, I promise (or at least you learn to adapt).
Take It Easy
The infamous and infallible “They” always say to sleep when your baby sleeps. While that’s super in theory, if you’re like me, you think, “When the heck am I supposed to get stuff done?” In the beginning, you’re going to be tired. You’ve spent the last 36 weeks or so preparing a human being to join the world. During that time, your body has gone through some massive changes (like your bladder being compressed into the size of a walnut). Not to mention the fact that you’ve just gone through some serious trauma. You have a baby in your arms, so you’ve either passed that not-so-tiny bundle of joy through what you’ve discovered is a very stretchy little hole, or you’ve been cut in half while awake. Uh, yeah. I’d say the greater part of a year has been a little stressful.
Now, you’re awake every two hours to feed the baby, waking out of a dead sleep just to look at your baby and make sure they are still breathing, and if you’re breastfeeding, feeling like a human bottle. Those crazy pregnancy hormones are still running rampant, although now they’re called post-partum hormones. You’re tired. I know. So take a nap when you need it. If you can sleep when your baby does, that’s great. If you want to just sit on the toilet and pretend you can poop, do that. I would rather sit on the couch watching reruns of CSI: Miami while my baby slept in my arms. The main thing is that you need to take it easy.
You Don’t Have to Do it All (Part 1)
Accept help whenever it’s offered. Smile and say thank you when people bring you frozen dinners (they fed us for the first two weeks). Your mother-in-law wants to clean your bathroom? Super. Swallow the urge to defend your ability to clean your own bathroom and accept her offer. No, she won’t clean it the same way that you do, but does it really matter? It could be a while before you get the time and energy to do much more then clip your nursing bra closed. No one is going to think less of you because you ask your parents to stop at the grocery store for you and pick some things up, or vacuum the rug in the guest room. Heck, no one will think less of you if you just close the door to the guest room and pretend it doesn’t exist for a while.
You Don’t Have to Do it All (Part 2)
Sometimes, you’ll actually have to ask for help. I actually thought about packing up my newborn baby and leaving my husband because he didn’t offer to bring the pile of laundry from the laundry room to the master bedroom. Couldn’t he see that I needed a little help? Honestly? No, he didn’t. If you’ve always been the one to do it all, don’t be angry at your husband because he doesn’t jump to do something. He’s used to you doing it all. He’ll be more then willing to help (anyone will), but you actually have to break down and ask for help.
I found that a lot of my family and friends didn’t want to offer because they didn’t want to intrude. Pride is bitter and nasty when swallowed, but the amount of people eager to jump to your aide is worth it.
Mommy Does it Like This
While you’re swallowing your pride, you should have your husband try some too. Ask him if wants or needs coaching or not. Just like he can’t read your mind, you can’t read his. Some men will want to be gently told when they’re doing something wrong or if they should be doing something different. Other men will want to fumble through and figure it out on their own. I found out that my husband was somewhere in the middle. He didn’t want to be bombarded with, “You’re doing this wrong. You’re doing this wrong,” but he also didn’t want to either hurt the baby or look stupid in front of someone. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t asked him.
So he learned on his own why a clean diaper goes down under the baby when the dirty one has been pulled out. He learned the signs that our son is about to … uh … let’s say fire his gun. But there were times when I stepped in to offer advice. When I saw my little Bug’s head lolling around while he sat on my husband’s tummy, I stepped in and said, “Uh honey, you have to hold his head. Yeah. All the time.”
My Promise I consider myself a wonder woman and the transition to super-mom has been a little rough. There are times when I feel like my entire world is built on Jenga legs and I’m simply delaying the inevitable crash as it all falls down around me. For a planner who has always lived in routine land surrounded by lists and schedules, it’s more like torture than a “readjustment.” At times, I swore I was in hell. I questioned my ability as a mother, as a woman, even as a person.
While it’s tough to admit that I haven’t gotten it all together yet, it’s a work in progress and the little milestones I see keep me from breaking down. The first few days, it was enough just to take a shower and remember to change my clothes. I’ve left the house without shoes on, forgotten the nipple pads (you only do that once), toted my diaper-only clad son to Grammas house because I thought that two changes of clothes would be enough for him over the course of a three hour visit (wrong!) and the list goes on. But things even out. Milk production regulates, sleep patterns emerge and you learn how to juggle all in a way that works for you and your baby.
This morning, I grabbed my coffee and my packed lunch, reminded my husband about the bottles in the fridge for Grandpa Daycare, kissed my fed and diapered son goodbye, and made it to work on time, nicely dressed and with matching shoes. It gets easier, I promise (or at least you learn to adapt).
Fabulous.
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